May 7, 2009

Social Lack of Graces

The one part of my life that I constantly think needs a boost falls is my social life. Yet I've failed time and again to develop friendships. Maybe that's just because I generally don't get along with women and prefer the companionship of men. Being friends with men is difficult because you must first get past any desire that either of you have for each other, even if it is in the back of your mind. Also, in terms of meeting a friend who is of the opposite sex, I can't imagine how this happens, unless you are both in a relationship.

Take, for example, what happened to me last night. I was at a networking event and, as usual, spent most of the time wandering around trying to look busy and feeling awkwardly shy. At the very end of the night a guy came up to me and said hi. He must have been in his 20s or early 30s. We started to talk, first about our professional lives, then a bit about our personal lives in terms of where we've been and what we want to do in life. As far as conversation goes, we hit it off. Then, at the end of the conversation, about 15 minutes later, he asked me for drinks. I blurted out "I have a boyfriend!" "But" "I'm always open for new friends."

That may have killed the opportunity for friendship because that came out so weird, or maybe he wasn't interested in friendship anyway so it wasn't my game to lose. Or maybe we could be friends still and my response was appropriate. Or perhaps I should have said "sure let's do drinks" and to clarify later that I'm only looking for friendship. I don't know.

Any time I go out, whether that be to a karaoke night, or even the gym, I freak out when guys talk to me. I freak out because now that I've finally gained enough confidence to realize that with breasts and a butt there is a reason for some guys to like me, that all guys want to date me, or at least take me to bed. Why else would they talk to some random girl? And that certainly hinders making friends with any of them.

Women are a whole other ballgame. And it's tough for me to find female friends who can, well, shoot the shit, the same way I like to. I've got a fairly manly mind when it comes to some things, and it's easier to be myself w/ guys. Or at least with geeky guys, not frat head muscle boys.