Sep 22, 2007

Facing Eviction from Reality

(aka, pretty soon i'm likely getting the ax at work.)

I prefer not to be a "failure," but this time around I'm not sure I can do anything to avoid such an outcome. My job and I are like oil and vinegar, and I'm certainly the oil, sinking to the bottom.

Instead of allowing myself to get depressed over this situation, I'm doing my best to see it as an opportunity to switch directions and get myself on track for the life I ought to be leading. I know I should have went to art school and studied for a career in design, but when I did that whole "college thing" I had no comprehension of what it would be like to work 40+ hours a week doing just one job. After all, in college you study all these different subjects and every hour of every day is vastly varied. Then you get to the real world and time tends to blur.

But I'd like to think I can somehow land in a design field even if I kind of messed up the whole schooling part of the plan. I've bought a few design and coding books, but really I know I should take a class (or twenty) to get me on track. I don't do well with books, or any sort of reading for that matter. I learn by doing - that's how I taught myself HTML when I was 13 and golly gee, I haven't changed since.

While there are a whole lot of things I really suck at, I know I'm good at understanding what looks good. And that's a valuable skill, isn't it? Computers complicate matters because you can want something to look one way, and not be able to achieve that vision (f'n cross browser compatibility)...

Anyway, life is as it is. I've got a little less than two weeks to prove to the powers that be that I can do this job justice. I'm going to give it my all, but something is telling me this just wasn't meant to be.

Here's reality -- in less than two weeks, I'll be out of a job. Unemployed again after a solid year and three months of remaining in the work force. That's pretty, uh, pathetic. The worst part is that I've only been at this job for about two months now, and my short stint is going to look awful to any potential employers. School is an option, I guess, but the whole process of applying and figuring out just how much debt I'll have to accrue in order to pursue more education - almost - makes me want to get a job at Starbucks.

It's tough, because I really thought I had found the perfect gig - I had all the responsibility in the world, great pay, great flexibility, and - I blew it. I blew it because my learning disabilities and such have got in the way. Or maybe it's just me and my lack of ability to focus for long periods of time, unless I'm trying to make something look good. Either way, I've tried a lot of different things and have yet to find what suits me. I'm "only" 23, so I guess I shouldn't feel that bad about it. I just know how fast time flies, and I really don't want to get to the point where I'm saying I'm "only 34" or something, and still in the same place. Age looses validity as an excuse once on hits about 25. And that's when the real depression starts to sink in. Oh boy. Can't wait.



5 comments:

Wanda said...

hey... hang in there. Sometimes it's just as valuable to know what we DON'T want in our life as it is knowing what we DO want. You figured out something about yourself at 23 - that's nothing to scoff at. Now you can take what you learned from this experience and apply it to the next time so you don't make the same mistakes.

If you know what you are good at & what makes you happy to do, then go for it. I'm almost 23 myself... and as much as I try to "get ahead" and save money for retirement, it's important to realize that at our age we STILL have time to figure it out, and that "figuring it out" can be a lifelong process.

Don't be so hard on yourself - learn from this and move on. GOOD LUCK.

GradGirl said...

Stop it! 25 isn't old either (she says, as someone at that age). Just keep trying things until you find the right fit. At some point, you will. And it will all be worth it. :)

SF Money Musings said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! I felt like a complete failure at 23 and 24 when I couldn't cut it in the newspaper business. I spent all of year 24 in a dark depressing state thinking my life/career were over. I changed directions and meant into international business, something that mixes both journalism and business and allows me to work on my writing on the side.

Learn from the experience and use it to propel yourself into another just as amazing job. I'm still learning despite my reading challenges and my ability to focus. But I'm taking each challenge one step at a time.

Good luck!

E.C. said...

Breathe deeply. Don't panic. If this wasn't right for you, then you now have a chance to try to find something that is.

On a more practical note, you should start figuring out your options for health insurance if you got yours through your job. It would be too great a risk to go without it since something like appendicitis could wipe out your savings. For someone who's young and in good health, you might be able to find a high deductible short term plan that'll be cheaper than COBRA.

Thrifty Penny said...

I'm 23 also. All I know is that the blame is always pointed at me because I'm the youngest at my job. I feel your pain.

But, you're 23! The world is at your fingertips. You can bounce back & find a job. This a great learning experience. Good luck with your journey. At least you're forced to figure yourself now.

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