The Value of Each Second

I've been making an insane amount of money so far this year. I still owe taxes on my freelance earnings, but I'd guestimate I've taken in about $30k so far.

But I still feel empty. I'm not saying a job is supposed to give me my ultimate fulfillment in life, but I'd like to feel proud of what I do. I work for a very cool company but ultimately I am not a huge fan of the product I'm paid to promote. I'm given very little power to impact the product, so all I can do is work with what exists. And that's not the easiest job. That's why they pay me so much.

Still, I don't know how long I can do this successfully. After less than two months in the role, I feel myself lost for what to do. My contract ends about half way through the year, so my goal is to make it that far. If I can do that, I'll have earned at least the amount I earned for an entire year of work in 2009. Sure, I won't make my $100k Net Worth goal by the end of the year, but I'd be doing ok.

I just want a job that I feel like I can DO a good job at. I like feeling like I've accomplished something, and it's a lot easier to do this with a product that is useful. Ultimately, I think the only way I could ever really be happy in a work environment is if I have a say in the product and get to help make it useful. Not just to market whatever it is.

Ok, so I'm not destined to be a marketer. I've done a good job marketing myself and getting this far. But my introverted and honest nature makes me struggle with any sort of promotion. It's even harder that my role requires me to be "honest" and seem like I'm not promoting a product. Instead, I have to actually like the product and talk about it like I use it all the time. That could be a lot of fun if it were true. The problem is that it's not, and I can't bring myself to flat out lie.

The good news is that I'm strongly leaning towards applying to graduate school for 2011. I see no reason to put it off any longer. I'm still terrified of the debt I'll rack up (my top choice program is $33k a year for two years, not including room & board, yikes! so long savings!) and even more terrified that I'll find out what I want to study isn't right for me either. And it's still hard to justify going to grad school when I could have $100k+ in the bank instead of -/~0.

But everyday I am anxious because I can't do my job well. Because whatever my boss asks me to do, I am unsure how to do it properly. Because I'm not really good at my job. And if I'm going to manage to survive my life, I need a job I can be good at. Really good at. I'm looking forward to the day I figure out what that is.