Passion vs. Money: What I've Learned Since Graduating College

They say if you follow your passion the money will come. I agree with that 100%, though you can't expect always to make a lot of money by following your passion. Also, as you mature, your passion(s) may shift, causing your once "dream job" to become -- like any other job -- "just a job."

So should you follow your passion or follow the money? That's a tough one. Here's what I did. I was too scared to follow my true passion (performing) due to a few reasons -- I fear failure, I don't believe I have enough talent, I may actually not have enough talent, I'm afraid of rejection, I wanted to make a decent living, I don't have the physical beauty required for Hollywood, nor the true dedication to performing the same role night after night in a professional performance career.

When it came time to choose what I would do out of college (where I had obtained a "3.0" liberal arts education and obtained an affinity for the "quotation mark") I was in awe of all the possibilities, yet convinced none of them would open their doors to me. What I didn't do in college was think through my career clearly. I didn't take may practical courses. My only internship was at a program that despite being run by outside journalists was within the school and titled using the college name (ie, didn't sound that impressive, despite that I was doing work for major TV stations and newspapers). As college came to a close I freaked and applied for internships around the country for something I thought I might be good at related to my passion... public relations and marketing. While getting the internships came easy, my passion did not. I quickly learned that veering off to the right of your passion doesn't qualify as actually following your passion. It just kicks you in the face day after day, which for some people, like myself, leads to depression.

That year was the first year in my life when I felt like I was actually depressed. The fear of what's next and knowing this wasn't what I wanted to do (non-profit marketing really requires you to believe in the cause and I lost that conviction - the arts suddenly seemed just as evil as any big corporation, and the strain of constantly needing to raise money and sell tickets, and being an indentured servant (ie slave with free housing) during that situation didn't help. I know I would have done a better job had I understood how that internship would be a building block to a career I'd love, but I didn't see that. I left the internship a few months in. Well, I was let go, because I lost all motivation to lick envelopes, check the mail, and organize files when just in the building over live art was being created. I was jealous of the person who landed the creative internship (my first choice, which I didn't get) and my bitterness was the end of that.

Luckily, it took me a short time to recover from the "job" loss because even in the deepest of my depression I knew I had to keep pushing forward. Mostly this was due to the fact that I had one month of housing left to get my act together, and then I'd be kicked out of the intern housing, and I knew I did not want to go home. So I frantically applied for every job I could find on Craigslist and Monster.com. I applied for more internships. I applied for everything. I must have sent out over 3000 resumes that month.

Then came a call for an internship at a newspaper. It paid diddly squat (you got a small fee when your stories got published, but that would not be enough to pay rent) and it was part time. I took a train for two hours south to interview for the position. I needed to get this internship because I felt that at least I'd have some creative autonomy as a journalist, and I could tell the lack of any creative control is what killed me at my first attempt at a full time job. I was offered the position and despite knowing my savings would take a beating those few months I at least had a direction to keep me afloat. I found a cheap place about a half hour from the internship and started looking for a car, which I'd need to get around my new home. I didn't know anyone in an hours drive of where I was moving, and this scared me a bit, but not much. I packed up my stuff and moved it all on the train for a day, taking the train back and forth and dragging my heavy luggage (luckily I didn't have too much with me since I had flown out to my internship in the first place).

This move, which I thought would cure my depression, definitely sent me on the right path, but I don't think I've quite recovered. Since then I've been through a few different careers, all involving writing, which has led me closer to whatever it is I'm meant to do, but I'm still on this journey. Every day I'm faced with the question of whether to follow my passion of the moment (always changing) or the money (a constant) and if it's possible to find something that combines both.

One thing I do know is that my passion isn't money alone. I couldn't spend my life as a salesperson (unless I believed in the product 100%). On my last entry, a commenter suggested that I look into a career in sociology and I think that might really be my passion. I minored in sociology in college, more because the reading materials and conversations in those classes were the highlight of my college experience. I could see myself writing books about modern culture, as while my passion for performing a subsided through the years, I've always loved a good conversation about what we do what we do and what makes us do it. Not really in the psychological sense, though I'm very interested in social psychology, but in the cultural sense. I'd love to study money, family, gender, technology, childhood, the economy, education and every pieces relation to happiness.

But can that actually be a career? Would I have the ability and attention span to get a PhD and find a small topic to research and become an expert in (even my above interest in happiness and culture is too vague for graduate school.) I might enjoy this more than other options I have, but one thing I learned in undergrad is that majoring in sociology (or any liberal arts field) is a no-no when it comes to obtaining a career. A PhD is another story, but I don't see myself as a PhD. I don't see myself a professor. On the other hand, maybe I'd love it. Maybe that's the type of "performing" I've been craving all along.

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2009: A Year in Personal Fiscal Review

2009 was an incredible year for be in terms of income. Since graduating college in 2005, I had at most made $30k per year, with months of the year usually dedicated to unemployment sans unemployment checks and freelancing to fill in the gaps. As much as 2009 was not a perfect year, my income this year hit approx. $70k before tax. So I made more than double what I've ever made before. That's the good news.

My spending also increased in 2009. I spent $35k this last year, according to Mint. This included unnecessary splurges which I likely rewarded myself due to my promotion. Next year, I'm going to create a budget and stick to it, as my goal is to save 30% of my after-tax income, about $15,000 assuming my income remains the same (which odds are it won't). I'd really like to save $20,000 next year, but to do that I'd really have to force myself to be frugal. Which isn't a bad thing, it's just something I've never done before. I might try, especially with Mint's budget tool and my new iPhone helping me keep my finances in check each month.

To save $20,000 in 2009, I'd have to save $1,667 each month. Assuming my take-home pre-tax pay is $66,000 (which I like to pretend is $33,000 after taxes) I have $2,750 a month to spend. That leaves me with just $1,083 a month of spending money if I really want to save $1,667 per month. Again, this is certainly possible. I'm really inspired by blogs like Under $1000 a Month because if a family of 4 can live off less than $1,000 a month (!!!) then so can I. Right?

Well, I'm not sure I can. My mental health therapy is expensive, as are the meds I will likely be on in 2010. That's my biggest cost that I'm not willing to give up. I've already cut back on voice lessons, though I'm taking a dance class which is $60 / month. And my car may become a wreck in 2010 (with 170k miles on it, I don't know how much longer it will last) which could mess up the whole savings thing.

I figure I have $800 in set costs (rent, bills, gym, car insurance) and then anything else on top of that which is vital... food, gas, new tires, etc. All-in-all it doesn't seem like I can live on less than $1,000 a month. Well, I could, but that would mean NO therapy and no dance lessons (and definitely no laser hair removal package, which I'm almost sure I am going to purchase in early 2010 for $300 / month over 12 months.)

My goal for 2010, though, is to seek out ways to live frugally, besides my set expenses, so I can save a lot. Maybe not $20,000, but it's not so bad to make that my goal. I'll aim to save $1,667 a month and budget for this as possible. If I can increase my annual income with additional freelance work, all the better. I count my interest in as well, so if my stocks happen to perform well and my P2P accounts happen to stop defaulting, I might hit this goal. Who knows. I do want to focus on keeping my budget in check. If I can save AT LEAST $1,200 a month in 2012, my networth will hit $50k, which is really my main goal for 2010. I read somewhere that at 30 your savings should be at the amount you want to live on for one year of retirement. I'd like $80k a year in retirement, so I want to hit $80k in savings by 30. Which is going to get totally messed up by my potentially going to grad school... but it won't exactly help matters if I'm out of a job either.

Anyway, here's to 2010 being prosperous and smart for me and for everyone out there reading this little blog of mine. :)

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26 Aspirations and Goals for 2010

I like Affecting Change in Me's idea to come up with the # of goals for the coming year based on your age. She's turning 30 so she has 30 goals.

Here are my 26 goals for 2010...

I'll check in each month to update how I'm doing on each goal.

1. Save 20% of my income for retirement

2. Save 10% of my income for other upcoming expenses

3. Increase my net worth to $60,000

4. Study (a lot) for graduate school tests

5. Take the GMAT (and poss retake the GRE)

6. Apply to grad school(s) in fall 2010

7. Stop drinking alcohol (except on my birthday)

8. Go to the gym 3 times a week

9. Earn $10k in freelance income ($833 / month)

10. Eat 1300 calories per day

11. Drink 8 glasses of water per day

12. Come up with sweet, non expensive things to do to make my boyfriend happy and do them

13. Go to 1 networking event per month and get up the courage to talk to people (which is going to be really hard since I'm giving up alcohol)

14. Keep my room organized (easier said than done, hello ADD)

15. Write max 20 posts per month for blogging gig ($500 / month)

16. Start a saving fund for basic expenses for the second half of next year when I'll likely be out of a job.

17. Write hand written letters to the people in my life who I've lost contact with (sans Facebook status updates). I don't really like many people, but it saddens me that I've lost contact with the few people in this world who I really admire and consider friends.

18. Take an antidepressant for a year and see if it actually helps my mood swings over time.

19. Go to group therapy when possible and give what it takes to get the most out of it possible.

20. Make an effort to spend one day a month with each of my few friends.

21. Invite my roommates to do something fun outside the house and try to build my relationship with them (I am really bad at socializing with my roommates, I like them but when I come home I usually just want to hide in my room. They are so close to each other it's sometimes awkward for me to be there.)

22. Read at least 4 fiction books and 4 personal finance / economics books and 4 books on interaction design

23. Start saving for a car replacement

24. Put my all into work, even though sometimes I don't know how to. Be positive at work and supportive of the chaotic environment that is life at a startup. Try to bring a smile to the table always.

25. Work on being a better listener and communicator. Learn from career counselor how to do that.

26. Try to take one day at a time and be happy for all I have and all the opportunities that are to come.

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The Diverse Financial Life of Everyone I Know

My friends, roommates, and boyfriend all share one thing in common -- none are in as good of a place financially as I am.

My roommates are around my age. One is a middle school teacher. Her salary is slightly less than mine, but she does not do additional freelance work so ultimately I make a bit more than her looking at the full year. My other roommates is in a PhD program for psychology, which means 5 years of loans and living on the cheap. I'm not sure how much her parents are helping her out and how much is loans. She's surviving, but will have a lot of loans to pay back and will be stuck in her career for a while in order to pay that back.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, quit his job a few months ago. He still works a few hours a week, but he never really pushed for much of a raise. He wants to go to grad school. It sounds like either his mom will pay for his entire grad school program (she's beyond a frugalista, and hasn't spent much her entire life... saving about $100k for her son's education) or not pay for any of it, depending what he decides to go to grad school for. He doesn't have a retirement savings at all, and at 27 that kind of concerns me, esp if we're going to get married one day. My retirement income won't be enough for both of us.

Then there's my good friend, who is knee deep in debt yet still sending $30 a month to a child in Africa. She doesn't spend tons of money, she lives in a house owned by her parents, but still she spends more than she has. Her emergency savings account at any time is maximum $100 in a checking account that fast disappears. Checks bounce left and right. Working for her parents business -- which has suffered a lot due to the recession -- she barely ever gets paid. But she won't quit her parent's company because she says they need her. She works side jobs here and there, usually making ends meet. But month after month she worries if she'll have enough to pay off the minimum amount on her bills. I gently urge her to at least try to get a full time job for a while so she can pay off her bills, but she doesn't want to. But without income from her parent's business, she is always struggling. But she's comfortable with her current financial situation, and doesn't seem to want to do a lot to change it.

Meanwhile, my friend from high school is in a really bad state. She's not only in debt, but she's in bad medical debt, and is a prescription drug addict on top of that. She got into a car accident a while ago so says she has chronic pain. She has no insurance and can't afford her doctor's visits. They give her prescription pills which she goes on to snort. She lives at home and it sounds like she has no support from her family. Which, sadly, makes sense because she's really stuck, and they can't do anything about it but put up with her. She can't work because she's really messed up. She needs rehab, but who can afford rehab (or be convinced to go) when no one has the money to send you there?

Another friend, my age, is a full time student and was a full time employee until she got let go during the recession. Her finance and her bought a house which she can't contribute at all to at the moment. Luckily her finance is an engineer and is able to afford it. But even they had to cut corners to afford their new home-owner lifestyle.

Then there's me. And after comparing myself to people my age I know, financially speaking anyway, I really look good. But it's not ALL about money right now. I'm saving a lot, working most of the waking hours of the day, and I'm free to move about if needed. I don't have to spend a lot per month. I moved from my $1200/month apartment to my current $600/month apartment 2 years ago. Bills are much cheaper now since I have roommates. Everything is cheaper. I'm doing fine. I just need to keep reminding myself that. I'm 25, and I'm on the right track. Maybe there are others my age who are founding companies and saving the world, but that's not the norm. I'm doing pretty good for myself. And I need that reality check every once in a while. Because it's so easy to feel like such a failure at this age.

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Social Lack of Graces

The one part of my life that I constantly think needs a boost falls is my social life. Yet I've failed time and again to develop friendships. Maybe that's just because I generally don't get along with women and prefer the companionship of men. Being friends with men is difficult because you must first get past any desire that either of you have for each other, even if it is in the back of your mind. Also, in terms of meeting a friend who is of the opposite sex, I can't imagine how this happens, unless you are both in a relationship.

Take, for example, what happened to me last night. I was at a networking event and, as usual, spent most of the time wandering around trying to look busy and feeling awkwardly shy. At the very end of the night a guy came up to me and said hi. He must have been in his 20s or early 30s. We started to talk, first about our professional lives, then a bit about our personal lives in terms of where we've been and what we want to do in life. As far as conversation goes, we hit it off. Then, at the end of the conversation, about 15 minutes later, he asked me for drinks. I blurted out "I have a boyfriend!" "But" "I'm always open for new friends."

That may have killed the opportunity for friendship because that came out so weird, or maybe he wasn't interested in friendship anyway so it wasn't my game to lose. Or maybe we could be friends still and my response was appropriate. Or perhaps I should have said "sure let's do drinks" and to clarify later that I'm only looking for friendship. I don't know.

Any time I go out, whether that be to a karaoke night, or even the gym, I freak out when guys talk to me. I freak out because now that I've finally gained enough confidence to realize that with breasts and a butt there is a reason for some guys to like me, that all guys want to date me, or at least take me to bed. Why else would they talk to some random girl? And that certainly hinders making friends with any of them.

Women are a whole other ballgame. And it's tough for me to find female friends who can, well, shoot the shit, the same way I like to. I've got a fairly manly mind when it comes to some things, and it's easier to be myself w/ guys. Or at least with geeky guys, not frat head muscle boys.

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Hello 2009

I just opened up my Google Doc spreadsheet tracking my various accounts and realized that my 2007-2008 sheet is officially complete. Even though my spending habits weren't perfect last year, it was the first year of my life where I tracked my finances, and can learn from my mistakes.

There were moments when I spent foolishly in 2008, which is why my overall networth has gone down (not to mention all my stocks taking a nosedive with the market) - but I resolve to be smart about my spending in 2009.

If I can keep a steady job, there is no reason that I can't save $10 - $20k in one year (including $5k for my Roth IRA). My rent costs are low (finally), I'm working a job where I can wear jeans and a t-shirt, so I don't need to spend on fancy clothes, and really my only major expenses should be to visit my family back east about twice a year (or more, since my dad has cancer and won't be around much longer.) But even with a few trips back east, I should really be able to save.

2009 is largely depending on whether my current position will turn full time or not. If not, there's a chance that not means I'm out of a job. I should be finding out about that this month. I'm slightly worried, though at the moment the whole situation is looking promising.

I really want 2009 to be a stable year financially and emotionally. I'd like to take all my urges to spend and instead use those to be healthy... to go for a bike ride, or to play tennis with my boyfriend. I always spend the most when I'm going through a depressive phase, and I'm hoping the depression is over and done with. I'm 25 now and I sort of have my life together. It's pretty crazy to say that, but it's true. Finally.

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Stolen Credit Card

Did I mention that my car got broken into a month or so ago? I thought all that was stolen was $4 in cash and two checks (for $400 and $50). The $400 check was canceled and sent to me again. My aunt refuses to cancel the $50 check (that was a gift) because she thinks I'm stupid for leaving my car door open with the checks in it. Fair enough.

So... apparently I am really stupid because I must have left this Amazon.com Credit Card lying around in my car as well. I kept meaning to throw it out... I signed up for it on a win wim (I wanted to buy perfume, they had a $30 if you sign up for a card now deal, and I couldn't resist at the time). But I keep one credit card because I know how I get with bills in general (if I could put all my late fees into one investment account I'd be rich by now.)

Anyway, these crooks stole the card that I hadn't even activated. I didn't find out about it until today when I received a bill for the card. $103 of charges. Interestingly, all the charges are at a gas station about 30 minutes north of here. I guess my car thieves travel to my 'hood to break into cars at night. The fuckers.

The good news is that the customer service people were nice about it and won't make me pay for the charges, or so they say. I'll see about that in 14 days when I get the papers I have to sign, and then I'll find out if I don't have to pay it.

At least it was my credit card and not my atm card.

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The Lawsuit and Rich Parents (aka, why I have $26k in my bank account at 24)

Many of you might wonder how on earth I have managed to save over $25k at 24... and to be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit the truth. While I'd love to tell you all stories of how I worked my ass off through college, got an extremely well paying job the second I graduated and continued to watch my salary climb as the years passed, the reality is none of that is true.

Here's what really happened:

I was born into an upper middle class family. My mother stayed at home. My dad was an actuary who made a strong six-figure salary. While my mother and I kept spending his hard-earned money, he still managed to save quite a bit. Additionally, his company had a pension plan and all of those old fangled tricks to keep people working at one company for their entire lives. And it worked... my dad, after dropping out of his graduate program in Physics at Cornell, ended up spending his entire life working for this one company and climbing the corporate ladder. He never seemed happy, as he certainly did not like my mother, and having to commute one hour each way into the city everyday couldn't have helped.

But as he worked hard, I continued to reap the benefits. He saved up more than enough money to send me to a relatively expensive private institution for four years. Somehow he also managed to pay for my frequent shopping sprees to discount clothing stores. I was spoiled in an upper middle class sort of way. It's not like I went out and bought Prada or even Coach. Designers always meant little to me, but nonetheless I had a major talent for spending heaps of cash.

If all of that were the entirety of my story, I would have graduated without debt, and with about $9k in savings thanks to dad's "apartment for daughter after she graduates" fund. That would have been plenty more than I deserved.

But here's the secret to my minor fortune:

In 6th grade, I broke my arm at my birthday party. I'm not quite sure whose fault that was, although my parents, our lawyer, and the judge all seemed to agree that the company running the party was at fault for negligence. As an 11-year-old, all I really wanted was an apology from the folks running my birthday party... after all, I had to leave three minutes into the festivities while the rest of my friends stayed and got to enjoy games and cake. Well, my "apology" came in the form of $15,000. Although $5000 was taken out in lawyer fees, by the time I could access the funds at 18, my bank account had grown to about that original sum.

So if you were wondering how on earth I have so much money - that's how.

I do feel guilty about it, as I have many friends who had to take out loans to get through college and who will be paying for their education for years to come.

I've had the luxury to move across the country, to rent a $1050 a month apartment, and to mess up at a few jobs and figure out my career through trial and error. I'm lucky. I'm very, very lucky.

It's hard to compare myself to others my age. I don't know a great deal about people's personal finances, but I have friends across the spectrum of class (ranging from "upper lower" class to "upper middle" class.)

My boyfriend's situation is somewhat different, yet he also has money in savings and graduated with no loans. His mother has never moved out of her parents house. She's worked consistently throughout her life, and has saved most of her income. While I was a spoiled little brat as a kid, my boyfriend never experienced the finer things in life... even though his family had the money to show him such things if they wanted to spend it. But instead, his mother believed in buying clothing from the thrift store. Last Christmas I was shocked that she got me a gift (it is the thought that counts) but I just found it interesting to see that the "gift" was a red wool coat that she had bought from a thrift store a while back, knowing that at some point she'd give it away as a gift.

I don't judge her for this at all, I'm just fascinated by the different financial mindsets of people in America. I wonder how much of it is based on culture and religion, and how much is unique to each family and person. Even I believe that the best part of making more money is being able to share that money... at least with the person you love and your close friends.

There's plenty more I can write about all of this, but I need to get some more work done this evening before heading off to bed. Please leave comments about this topic, as I'm interested in hearing about your families and how that influenced the way you spend and save today.

Edited to add: My parents no longer send me money. I'm on my own. If I was in debt or something awful happens, I know they'd be there to help as much as possible. But now I'm earning money and paying all of my bills, including rent.

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Lacking Charisma: Social Anxiety and Work

I'm bad at small talk and, despite my desire to be well-liked, I lack adequate amounts of charm and grace. Looking back on my job positions over the past five years, I see a disheartening trend: my failures are more or less due to my desire to limit human interaction as much as possible in any given period of time.

Silicon Valley is all about the small talk. The inside jokes, the laughter. I probably seem like I'm stuck up because I don't know how to just chat. Either I feel like I'm talking too much, or I feel like I'm boring the person I'm talking to with questions.

I feel like I do well on my job interviews. I seem personable enough. Then it comes to the actual 'work' part of a job... and I just want to work and be done with it. Well, that's not entirely true, I love collaboration... working in small teams... when my ideas seem to be worth something and I can help contribute to a final product. That's when I like talking to other people. But otherwise... I just crawl back into my shell.

It really, really sucks. I just want to be that girl that's always smiling who everyone likes. Maybe I'd annoy some people because I'm just so perky, but when they figured out that the perk was genuine they'd have to like me, at least a little bit, right?

But instead I have trouble making eye contact and forming sentences that seem to resemble phrases that might generate some sort of interest.

I don't know if there is something 'wrong' with me or if I've turned myself into this anti-social monster. Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autism. I've never been good at socializing. When I was a kid, I'd only want to talk to adults, and that wasn't because I liked talking to adults more, it's just they'd forgive me for being awkward in exchange for accepting that I hadn't reached puberty.

How much of growing up 'the cootie girl' influences ones ability to succeed down the road? There are so many voices in my head telling me that I'm a failure, and it's hard to shove them all out and achieve some sort of clarity.

At my job, I go into the office, I basically run to my desk, and then I work all day, and then I go home. I'm too afraid to even say goodbye to people. I just appear and disappear. That's no good for making employers want to keep you on as a worker. And don't even get me started about why I should have never attempted to pursue a career in journalism with social anxiety...

Do you all think that charisma and charm are traits I can take on, or should I just try really hard to learn some super-specific geeky skill that pretty much requires me to be a recluse?

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The Unfortunate Quest to be Anything Other than Average

Blaming Attention Deficit Disorder is easy, but the fact of the matter is that I have a serious problem with my inability to complete projects. Of course, I'm working hard to combat this problem and I've been doing a good job of it at my current contract gig.

But, even though I think I'm working hard, I still feel like my employer views me negatively. Maybe that's my problem -- as I always convince myself that people dislike me until proven otherwise. There are a few other projects on my plate that I'm behind on, or that are basically gone for good because, well, I took on more than I can chew. I don't really know enough about interactive design yet to build multimedia sites, yet I tried once and it didn't work. I'd like to take some classes in these things so it won't take me hours browsing through tutorials to make a relatively simple site that has more than just graphics and text, but unfortunately, I don't have time or the money to do that right now.

With my writing work... I feel like such a fake. I don't think I'm a good writer. I think I'm a much better designer, without the technical skills to profit from my somewhat decent talent in that area. Meanwhile, writing is easy... to fake. Anyone can pretend to be a writer. But what matters is the content.

Maybe I just lost my love for writing. Once I wanted to be a journalist. But now all I do is dream about a day when I can design for a living. I feel like I get color and line and composition. What I don't get is the composition of paragraphs or sentences.

I'm just tired of being a F&#& up. How did I get so far this fast and yet at every turn I run straight into a wall of my own creation? I'm over and done with it. I want to be successful, but my motivation levels... my non-temporary motivation levels... dwindle faster than George Bush's ratings since going to war with Iraq.

Am I the only person who practices somewhat subconscious self sabotage? I'm so afraid of proving to myself that I'm actually a failure that all I can do is fail before I have the chance to do it unintentionally.

I need to stop feeling like I need to do something GREAT in order to succeed. I know it's the little things that are meaningful, yet I don't believe it. I want to be famous, or brilliant, or... anything other than average.

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When I was a little girl, I used to walk a few feet in the snow...

Winter in California is bizarre for a gal like me that grew up on the east coast. Sure, we get our annoying rainy season, but snow and painfully cold whether isn't involved in the concept of winter here. I kind of like that, as I'm definitely not a "cold" person, and it helps save on heating bills (though I have an 'all utilities paid' deal with my rent anyway) but sometimes I miss snow.

Scratch that. I just miss my memories of what snow means. Days off from school. Spending time with family. Watching bad tv all day (as a freelancer I tend to do that now... i mean, at least as background noise). Relaxing.

The only thing equivalent to a "snow day" out here would be a day when a giant earthquake destroys everything... or if a forest fire comes frighteningly close to my neighborhood. That's not much of a snow day.

Most of all, I miss being a child. Like any other 24 year old, I'm now facing the fact that the future is all about being an adult. A young adult for a while, then an old adult, then a very old adult and then... well, that's life.

How should I value my life? Should I see it in terms of how much money I make, and how much I can buy? I don't expect to be rich, but as a freelancer I see how I can build up a steady income and at some point, if I have enough happy clients, I can possibly make six figures a year. That feels almost greedy... although if I have kids at some point I'm sure any money would help.

I feel dirty wanting money. I like working for just the amount I need to survive with a little extra to stow away for savings in case something terrible happens. Then again, I love eating at nice restaurants, traveling and buying overpriced clothing. It's tough to both want to not be greedy and want to live a mildly lavish lifestyle.

More than anything, though, I want to feel like I've earned my money. That I deserve what I've earned. That's why I like the idea of freelancing. Beyond actually having to do a good job, I constantly have to market myself and prove my worth. And if i'm not worthy of a project then I have to rethink my strategy for long-term survival. Maybe that's a little scary, but I enjoy the ongoing challenge. It keeps me on my toes.

What's with all of this 'future' and 'past' thinking? Well, it's the holiday season, and while I'm not religious, the time around Hannukah and New Years always throws me into a state of extreme reflection. I think a lot about where I've been selfish in the past year and how I can change my next year to be a better person. I rarely make as much progress as I'd like, but at least through growing up I've stopped being so terribly narcissistic. I've accepted that for the most part people do not care about me, whether that's caring about me being wonderful or a trainwreck. As a kid I was desperate for attention. Not anymore. Well, sometimes, if I'm having a random hyper moment and perhaps a few shots of Vodka. But...

Now... my whole view on life has changed. My basic morals haven't. I still believe in freedom, I still believe in being a good person regardless of a belief in some divinity. That will always be a part of me. But now I don't mind being invisible (usually). I'm not sure how I feel about that.

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