Nov 7, 2007

unemployment and depression

they say if you pursue your passion, money will come to you. i still don't know what my passion is. i can't figure out one job that i'd be happy doing 40-50 hours per week. i've tried public relations, admin, arts marketing and journalism, and ultimately i got bored with every single position.

you know what? some days i wonder what it would be like to be a photographer. i love taking pictures. but so many people are good at photography. pursuing a career in writing just feels safer. all businesses need copy. sure, most businesses need photography as well, but i just don't believe in myself enough to pursue that career.

i just feel like spending my life writing will help me get by. maybe. if i can hold a job long enough to save some money, instead of failing every four months to a year.

i guess i'm writing at the moment because it's one of my down days. i'm feeling rather hopeless about my future and question why i bother trying. i know that i've accomplished quite a bit for my age, but really, the accomplishments i have made all feel rather pointless and don't bring me any sense of pride. if i was working as a photographer, or a graphic designer, i think i'd be somewhat happy.

i'm just too scared to take out loans and figure out how to get from where i am now to a new career. and emotionally, i feel like i have no where to turn. i love my boyfriend more than i can express, but he isn't a very expressive person when it comes to empathy, and if i'm sad i just make him sad, so it's not even worth telling him anymore. my parents are no help, they don't really care about how i'm doing, as long as i have a roof over my head. but as for my emotional well being, i guess sometimes i feel like no one really cares. perhaps that's just my depression speaking, but it's just frustrating to feel that the only person i can really talk to about my problems is my therapist. I guess what i'm saying is I feel rather empty because the few friends i have all seem so happy. they might be working as hair stylists, or editors, but they're all so content with their lives. i'm not content at all with where i'm at now. i feel like such a waste. i want so much more for my life. but sometimes i think i'm just the dumb kid who snuck through the system. maybe i should have ended up working as a hair stylist or something. not a writer. not a designer. maybe i should work at starbucks. or safeway. i mean, i'm losing faith in myself and my abilities. i want to be brilliant but i'm not even close. i want to help people, but i feel like i can't even help my family, so how could I help anyone else? i really hate money, even though i love buying things. i hate that i'm such a capitalist.



7 comments:

GG said...

I have so many thoughts:

1) I feel such empathy for what you've written. I remember *distinctly* thinking that I'd never find a job a liked. It's a terrifying feeling, especially when you start getting down. Take heart, though, I think most people have felt this way at some point; and most of them have found jobs they liked.

2) Even though I love my job, I still have moments sometimes where I think: What if I was supposed to be a _____________. When I get like this, I think about it for a little while and then try to force myself to reiterate the positives of my current job to myself.

3) A lot of the people who look "content" with their jobs/lives only look like it.

4) You are young, ambitious, driven and have every reason to believe you'll find something better/more fitting/challenging soon.

lulu said...

I understand how you feel right now because that is the same way I feel too.

I do not have anyone I can talk to about this so it was a surprise to see that someone else feels that way.

Everyone says things will get better so all we can do is pray now.

Anonymous said...

How does one contact you regarding employment?

beth said...

The reason your boyfriend is sad when you're sad is because he cares about you--and, if he's a more typical male, he wants to solve problems, and he's sad because he cannot solve your problem.

Also, might I suggest talking to a photographer and see if you can work for him/her? Even if it's part-time, it might give you insight to the life of a photographer and help you decide whether or not to pursue it.

Take care. More people care about you than you realize. Even if you can't believe me, I promise it's true.

Jess said...

I wrote this whole long comment about how you inspire me and have since I started reading your LJ and all. And how you'll figure it out and you were farther along with it at the point where I am than I am right now. And then it got lost. :( Sometimes figuring out what you don't want to do is half the battle. I haven't even gotten to that point yet. I'm still just waitressing and tenuously holding onto living on my own in NYC instead of at home with my parents in NJ. I suppose I almost have an opposite problem. Everyone is so worried about me that it stresses me out more than I already am and almost makes it more difficult to get things figured out.

Hang in there. I at least admire you for coming as far as you have.

SF Money Musings said...

It takes awhile to find your passion and what you're good at. I was in my current job for over a year hating it and wanting desperately to be in journalism. But I wanted to feel secure about my financial future amid layoffs, debates about whether newspapers have gone extinct or if the web is the future. But I found a niche for myself using my skills as a journalist and it hasn't opened a ton of doors but it slowly has.

Have you tried spending some time with a photographer as an assistant? Or if you're even interested in the other careers, talk to people or spend a day or half or a few hours watching them and then see how you like it.

it helps to stick to a routine when you're unemployed. it keeps you motivated instead of being at home or job searching. i found it helps to set priorities and deadlines for myself also.

There's nothing wrong with being a capitalist. It's the only way to get ahead financially honestly. If we weren't capitalists, we wouldn't be able to afford half the things in our lives.

Tamal said...

I think you are losing your calm too early. Have your convinction and please try a few more things before you give up. If nothing else works then I think before doing any work in haste please listen to your heart.

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