Dec 9, 2007

The Unfortunate Quest to be Anything Other than Average

Blaming Attention Deficit Disorder is easy, but the fact of the matter is that I have a serious problem with my inability to complete projects. Of course, I'm working hard to combat this problem and I've been doing a good job of it at my current contract gig.

But, even though I think I'm working hard, I still feel like my employer views me negatively. Maybe that's my problem -- as I always convince myself that people dislike me until proven otherwise. There are a few other projects on my plate that I'm behind on, or that are basically gone for good because, well, I took on more than I can chew. I don't really know enough about interactive design yet to build multimedia sites, yet I tried once and it didn't work. I'd like to take some classes in these things so it won't take me hours browsing through tutorials to make a relatively simple site that has more than just graphics and text, but unfortunately, I don't have time or the money to do that right now.

With my writing work... I feel like such a fake. I don't think I'm a good writer. I think I'm a much better designer, without the technical skills to profit from my somewhat decent talent in that area. Meanwhile, writing is easy... to fake. Anyone can pretend to be a writer. But what matters is the content.

Maybe I just lost my love for writing. Once I wanted to be a journalist. But now all I do is dream about a day when I can design for a living. I feel like I get color and line and composition. What I don't get is the composition of paragraphs or sentences.

I'm just tired of being a F&#& up. How did I get so far this fast and yet at every turn I run straight into a wall of my own creation? I'm over and done with it. I want to be successful, but my motivation levels... my non-temporary motivation levels... dwindle faster than George Bush's ratings since going to war with Iraq.

Am I the only person who practices somewhat subconscious self sabotage? I'm so afraid of proving to myself that I'm actually a failure that all I can do is fail before I have the chance to do it unintentionally.

I need to stop feeling like I need to do something GREAT in order to succeed. I know it's the little things that are meaningful, yet I don't believe it. I want to be famous, or brilliant, or... anything other than average.



4 comments:

SJean said...

I like the new look of the site--I can definitely relate to wanting to be better than average.

Strange Bird said...

No, you're not the only one. And most smart people? Feel like they're frauds. If you got as far as you did, you probably actually have the talent to back it up. ;)

SFGal said...

SJean: Thanks! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Strange bird: Also, thanks for your comment. I hope you're right about 'having the talent to back it up.' Sometimes, I just feel like I'm a fairly decent actress.

SF Money Musings said...

In school all I wanted was to be an amazing journalist ... just not the typical asian american cookie cutter. I wanted to be anything but ordinary.

I gave up on the idea because it was too much work. It was too trying and and emotionally overwhelming. The expectations to be GREAT also never end.

And being average or just plain is easy. there's no extra monetary commitment involved or effort. The NYTimes wrote something similar ...http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/04/health/04mind.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Just be yourself and everything else falls into place. It works somehow.

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